Here I sit. It is after five in the morning, Emma has been awake since roughly midnight and honestly I am ready to strangle her. 

*smiles* And like every other entry this place is used for, I will now delve into my 'back in the day' bag and states how back in the day this staying up all night for no reason shit would have been full of companionship.. *sighs*. I would be yapping with Rob probably, and as it is in the middle of the night (at least for me) it inevitably at some point would have thrown itself into some type of serious conversation about one thing or another to which he would become hair pullingly frustrated at my middle of the night lack of coherency for anything.  It is funny that I am here tonight thinking about all this. It is, give or take a few days a year since I have talked with Rob, and as pathetic as it is I still think of him extremely often, more than I can count on two hands probably a week. Songs do the job quite well. I have often mentioned that everyone here has a song, but he def. had more than one. I ramble because I sometimes find it amazing that someone you never actually meet, nor even heard their voice could have so much effect in life. I don't think he ever really knew how much I was obsessed, if that is actually the right word for it, that I was with him. *laughs* I never really outright ever told him, though I am sure he is intelligent enough to have figured it out and thought I was a stupid simpering prat. There was a lot I kept to myself out of some sort of fear. I think I knew a lot more about him than he would ever guess I knew, and that I never mentioned because I just didn't give a shit. Little things, things that when you think you know someone and are close you always want to ask and confirm but decide that if they don't want to divulge that it completely their own right to keep to themselves. *grins* Like the fact that he had an IP address that came from Riga. ahhhhhhh, the joys of being an administrator. Always wanted to come right out and ask him why he had that as an IP if he lived in Scotland, and if he really lived in Latvia then who really cared and why the hush hush??  He was an enigma to say the least, and has left a huge footprint in my life that I don't think he could ever comprehend.

*laughs* blah blah blah, yap yap. It is the whole I haven't slept tonight thing. It makes me think too much. Too much time TO think. It is always in these times that I really feel the weight of loss that came when everyone disappeared. It's obvious that time has not healed these wounds for me as it has almost everyone else. Lucas is another one that is all but fond memories in my head. It has been longer since I spoke with him than it has been since I spoke with Rob. I miss them. Robs birthday was unmentioned on here by me due to the fact that I had just moved into the new place here, and did not have internet up and running, but it was not unnoticed on my part. I myself turned 30 not long after he turned 31.  Even thought we had not been talking this time last year I got a happy birthday email from him, which I did not get this year. *frowns*.  I think the most maddening part is not knowing if he or Luc are okay. Fear that something has happened, and you would just never know.  I think that is the hardest thing to cope with.

So.. I got this email tonight as most of you know, and it said that Mark had passed away. I am sitting here
in a numb disbelief to be quite honest. I am sure that there are some of you who knew he was sick. By that
I mean Luc. Could be just an assumption, but I still try to believe that just because I don't have the pleasure of
being in a constant contact with all of you that I love doesn't mean that you ALL still don't ever talk. But I didn't
know that he was sick. I don't know if that sickens me that I DIDN'T know, or if that is okay. I would have
wanted to know. I would have wanted to tell him how much he ment to me, and how much I cared for him. How
much I will cherish my memories of him. How I didn't just fade into the woodwork and forget about him.

It is always the way though isn't it? You lose someone, but as long as they are still 'out there', it is okay,
Because they still exist. Then, when and if something happens, it hits you, and you are left wondering if that person
did, or at the VERY least at one point knew how special they were to you. I pray that Mark knew how much
I cared for him. He was always good, always kind. I love you Mark.

 

Every few months or so, I come in here, and leave my long winded, disjointed rambles about how much I miss
all of you. For fucks sake I hope you guys get how pathetically involved you all still are in my every day thoughts.
I don't give a damn if I never cross your mind. I am the type that once you have made an impression on my life I
do not let go or cast you to the wind. Rob, Lucas, Marina, Tom, Neen, Stu, Steve, Ryo, Nessa, Vish, you are still all huge
parts of me. I will literally be driving home from work, or after something has happened and say to the
voices of insanity in my head (that answer back most of the time) "I wonder what advice Rob would give me
in this situation"... Or "You know, Luc would get a real kick out of this".... So on and so forth..... Yes, I am
most likely clinically insane, but that is how much you people mean to me. You may not log into my little box
anymore and watch BBC with me, but you are still in my heart.

I seem to have in a span of just a few hours flown through actual stages of grief already for Mark. first the typical
crying. Then a denial, thinking perhaps it wasn't true. To a slight temper tantrum up above of anger... so what
is next? Acceptance? *sighs*

I have nothing really profound to say that would help any of this. It is almost like Mark being gone has put
such a sharp relief on the fact that I don't see people I want to see, and talk to people I want to talk to anymore.
It is hugely selfish, and childish that a friends death should make me even think these things. Like a child
throwing a tantrum. But in truth it makes me so angry that I don't even get an update if some of you ARE
still alive. It has always been one of my biggest fears that something would someday happen to me and none
of you would know. I have even EXPRESSED the fact to my dipshit of a husband that he is to tell EVERYONE
on my messenger list if something ever did happen to me. ... Marker had the same sort of idea I guess.
I have always had a bad habit of living in the past, and I miss my past with all of you. Profoundly so... There
are songs that I hear on the radio pretty much on a daily basis... You are all assigned a song. There is a specific
song for each and every one of you that will make me stop whatever I am doing at that moment in time, and
think of every single one of you. None of you are ever forgotten to me... None of you will ever be forgotten
for me. Not even when I am old and one foot in my own grave. So I guess the point I am trying to make with
this is that even though I haven't spoken to Mark in about a year and a half, maybe even two years now, he
was always in my heart, along with all the rest of you.

 

Once again I am late, but because of the piece of crap computer I am using I cannot be held accountable. I have no idea if you ever pop on here anymore, because since I changed my layout at like Christmas time, I haven't had my tracker as my personal spy, but I do hope that you will see this. I hope your birthday was well, and you are okay. It has been ages since I spoke with you last, but I hope you are doing well. I miss you terribly. You are now 30. *shakes head* What an age. I personally will never age past 26.. If you do ever read this, just know I think of you daily, and hope you have finally found some shred of happiness that you desperately sought and could not find while I was part of your life. You always bring a smile to my face when I ponder of our late night 'discussions'... I miss you. Happy Birthday love.